I have been missing in action for a few weeks and I am sorry. I started writing this piece on May 29, 2016 and completed it this morning and felt like I was ready to share with you all…
Thank you so much for your continued support.
I buried my face into my hands and I drifted. I drifted to a place I had never seen, a place I had avoided for so long for fear of not returning when I got there. I looked back at the building where my body sat… I heard the voices speaking and the priest kept on preaching… “he heals you in your brokenness” he was saying.. but I turned looking at the monument before me and his voice faded in the distance… I was at that place.. the place of no hope, no healing, no love and no faith. Christianity at that point made no sense to me… I had started questioning so many things lately and at that point, sitting right there in the church, listening to what the priest was saying I felt that I could no longer do it.. I could no longer pretend that I am ok and that faith would see me through… I could no longer pretend that I believed that everything will truly work out.. I could no longer pretend that I was happy with everything.. I could no longer pretend that I did not want more.
I am brought back to the church by someone passing through the pews and needing me to get up.
The moment came to receive Holy Communion and I could not approach for I knew my heart was not in it.. My husband asked why I did not go and I just shook my head saying no.. he followed with the question “did you do something?” and I looked at him and again shook my head saying no.. Thinking at that point that I wished I had done something… I wish I had done something to make me feel the way I was feeling.. I wish I had done something so that I would feel like I was being punished for a reason. I wished at that moment that maybe I should be a little “bad” so that things could work for me the way I would want them to.
Following that day, I slumped into major depression, and using my YouTube channel and recording videos for posting became my way of escaping; but that lasted only during the recording moments because I had to look a certain way.
I started thinking about a whole lot of stuff and could only focus on the wrongs that was going on in my life. Finances, relationships, work – everything got affected, and I slumped even further. What made it worse, I got grades for a course I had been doing that semester and on this third attempt still could not manage a passing grade.. and this time by a mere 7 marks. And my mind started racing. It’s like one thing happened after the other and I could see no good in any of them.. “was I being punished?” I thought to myself a countless amount of times. And if I were, then what was the punishment for. Had I not been kind, good, loving and caring? had I not been living up to my standards as a Christian? had I not kept faith all these years when so much was happening? So why.. why then did I feel like I was being punished.
This past Thursday I felt worse and could not make it to work.. I had a pounding headache and, that week, emotional and marital stress brought more depression and I felt myself in a black hole and no matter how much I looked for some light, there was none to be seen. And to add to that, the washing machine broke – and at that point I could not hold it in.. I looked up and cried out in anger “are you really up there? are your hearing me? are you even seeing what I am going through?” and then the tears came rushing down my face, for I could no longer hold them in. I felt so broken, so weak, so lost. I did not know what to do.
There has been two Sundays after that Sunday in May, and I have not been to church on either of those Sundays. Why? because I felt like my heart was not willing and my soul was not cleansed and felt unworthy of being in the presence of and receiving the holy spirit.
Then this morning, on Saturday June 18, 2016… while I was there standing by the washing machine, washing the weeks clothes by hand my mind started racing again – but this time only good thoughts. I went outside to open out the clothes, and as I felt my hands and fingers sore from the washing, my mind flashed back to the crucifixion – thinking of how painful those nails must have been – and that he endured that much pain for me. And right there in that moment, feeling the wind through my hair and on my face, I was calm for the first time in five weeks. I felt a breath of fresh air and at that exact moment my head went down somehow and I uttered the words “thank You Father for I still have so much to be thankful for”. Then I started recounting all the wonderful things that has happened to me in my life so far and reminded myself that, yes, I am truly blessed. It was that same morning I thought to myself that if this were a test of faith then I am failing.. and this quick turn of feeling brought only tears to my eyes. My daughter approached me just when the tears started running down my cheeks, and I tried speaking to her with my head turned away but she noticed and asked “why are you crying mommy?” and the only answer I could muster was “I don’t even know boo.. I really don’t know”
These past few weeks have been a real journey for me – a tough journey to say the least. A journey that saw me crying myself to sleep almost every night and dragging myself out of bed every morning. A journey that saw me questioning my faith and even refraining from my constant prayers. A journey that made me question decisions I have made and almost led to making decisions I know I would regret. A journey that made me almost give up on myself and on people who are important to me.
I share this with you today because sometimes we always feel that our problems, our crisis, our difficulties are so hard.. but then we look at what we have and see what is going on around us and can’t help but find the good and believe that even in those hard times there is hope. We never know what a person has to endure and how difficult a person’s life may be. Even during that pain I kept smiling because I did not want my pain to be seen and did not want anyone to know. But it is admitting when we are in pain that we are able to work our way out of it.
I am happy that I am able to share this with you today because I don’t normally share such personal experiences, but forward I go in the hopes that better is ahead.
I know this was a bit lengthy and if you read to the end, thank you so much.
With this I will continue with the blogging and write what I feel as well as what I love.